©Lisa Barker
I decided to eat healthy. Two hours later I got the results back from a blood test declaring that I am a prime candidate for a heart attack. Is there a better sign that eating healthy is the right direction to go in?
So I cut the fat and cholesterol out of my diet and increased whole grains, veggies, fruits, beans and lentils. This is not a problem for me because I’m not a picky eater and I am happily eating as much as I like from these food groups. That is until the craving hit.
On day six I heard, “C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E!” whispered in my ear. I didn’t need to look around. I knew no one was there. Women have an organ called a chocopendix. It’s a tiny organ located directly between the ovaries. It’s practically invisible to the male eye and to those who do not believe women should be stereotyped.
Its purpose it to regulate cacao in the bloodstream. The level of cacao in the bloodstream is determined by the hormonal messages detected from the ovaries. Pre-menses, menses and post-menses states of a woman’s body demand certain levels of cacao.
If those levels are not met, then the female brain goes into chocolate arrest. This is when the entire brain shuts down and women resort to a primitive gathering state (as in hunters and gatherers). She must have chocolate. She must stop everything she is doing and seek chocolate. It’s that simple, but it can be deadly for those witless males and children in close proximity.
Symptoms of chocolate arrest generally include eyes narrowed to slits, a deep frown and scowl, a pointing finger and rapid aggressive criticism of anyone and everything from all time. Symptoms may also include abrupt bouts of crying and despair creating a mixed state of anger and depression.
At this point the brain induces an audio-hallucination which is what I was experiencing.
“Chocolate!” My brain screamed at me again.
What could I do? I hurried to the van and drove myself to the store and ran to the ice cream aisle. (See? I’m exercising, too!) I selected a fat free ice cream. Proud of myself, I rushed home and plopped two scoops in a bowl and drowned it in fat free chocolate sauce.
Well, I satisfied two things – my craving for something sweet and cold and my curiosity about ‘diet ice cream’. Is that an oxymoron or what?
I just wonder how long it will be before I desperately start spooning baking cocoa into my mouth in desperation. It’s a fine line when balancing cholesterol and cacao levels.
For now the voice is quiet. It’s not happy, but it’s quiet.
---------------------------------------------------
Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane...Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Rules For Visiting With Little Ones
©Lisa Barker
I love visiting family, but I’ve done a lot of thinking and I now know why my little ones are like mice on speed once we arrive at our destination.
When families travel the children sleep but the parents don't. We don’t mean to let them sleep but we relish the quiet. I mean, how often does it happen that the kids are asleep and you are awake with enough energy to do more than just grunt and sit on the sofa with the remote slipping out of your hand?
Unfortunately, at the final destination the parents are tired and the kids are wired.
And now parents must go on double-duty making sure little fingers don’t poke into things they shouldn’t or shatter items that are just too difficult to resist. Still, little ones slip under the radar from time to time and nothing puts a damper on a visit than little ones who are quicker than the adults present.
So I made up a list from my own experiences to help tired parents and bewildered grandparents who aren’t used to having little ones wreck the place...I mean, visit. I hope these tips help.
1) Frequently poke the children when traveling to encourage them to stay awake. Invest in a spray bottle and use it often.
2) Offer ample drinks when traveling. You may have to make more stops, but everybody stays awake. You’ll have to weigh the pros and cons of caffeine.
3) Duct tape oven mitts to children under the age of three. This prevents them from picking up miniature collectibles. It also keeps fingerprints off sliding glass doors...and really discourages nose picking.
4) Bring a stake and leash for wandering toddlers. Stake the child in the backyard. She can run and play as she pleases, without slipping out the front door and down the street to play with the nice puppy in a stranger’s garage.
5) Wrap the clumsiest children in bubble wrap as a preventative measure for when they forget to walk and run through the house and then collide with inanimate objects.
6) Bring a playpen for the youngest to coral them when they just won't leave the untouchables alone. Use the above stake and leash for older children that do not stay out of rooms that are off limits.
7) Bring a whistle (or an air horn) to get the attention of children feigning ignorance and deafness due to the special occasion of visiting.
8) Bring an IV. This is the best way to prevent unnecessary spills.
9) Bring videos the children have not yet seen. Make that television babysitter work for you!
10) Bring plenty of aspirin because you'll need it.
. . . . . . . . . . .
Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom™, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!
I love visiting family, but I’ve done a lot of thinking and I now know why my little ones are like mice on speed once we arrive at our destination.
When families travel the children sleep but the parents don't. We don’t mean to let them sleep but we relish the quiet. I mean, how often does it happen that the kids are asleep and you are awake with enough energy to do more than just grunt and sit on the sofa with the remote slipping out of your hand?
Unfortunately, at the final destination the parents are tired and the kids are wired.
And now parents must go on double-duty making sure little fingers don’t poke into things they shouldn’t or shatter items that are just too difficult to resist. Still, little ones slip under the radar from time to time and nothing puts a damper on a visit than little ones who are quicker than the adults present.
So I made up a list from my own experiences to help tired parents and bewildered grandparents who aren’t used to having little ones wreck the place...I mean, visit. I hope these tips help.
1) Frequently poke the children when traveling to encourage them to stay awake. Invest in a spray bottle and use it often.
2) Offer ample drinks when traveling. You may have to make more stops, but everybody stays awake. You’ll have to weigh the pros and cons of caffeine.
3) Duct tape oven mitts to children under the age of three. This prevents them from picking up miniature collectibles. It also keeps fingerprints off sliding glass doors...and really discourages nose picking.
4) Bring a stake and leash for wandering toddlers. Stake the child in the backyard. She can run and play as she pleases, without slipping out the front door and down the street to play with the nice puppy in a stranger’s garage.
5) Wrap the clumsiest children in bubble wrap as a preventative measure for when they forget to walk and run through the house and then collide with inanimate objects.
6) Bring a playpen for the youngest to coral them when they just won't leave the untouchables alone. Use the above stake and leash for older children that do not stay out of rooms that are off limits.
7) Bring a whistle (or an air horn) to get the attention of children feigning ignorance and deafness due to the special occasion of visiting.
8) Bring an IV. This is the best way to prevent unnecessary spills.
9) Bring videos the children have not yet seen. Make that television babysitter work for you!
10) Bring plenty of aspirin because you'll need it.
. . . . . . . . . . .
Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom™, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Teens Train Mom
©Lisa Barker
My thirteen-year old daughters are leaving a legacy for the other kids. There are some unspoken rules that I’ve come to respect.
1. When the door is closed to our room and you hear music, please knock.
2. When the door to our room is closed and you don’t hear music, please knock.
3. If you hear music and you like it, you’re more than welcome to listen...if you sit outside the closed door. Please, don’t sing.
4. When we shop for clothes, just leave us to ourselves. We have good taste and a fabulous sense of propriety and modesty. We’ll find you when we’re ready for you to pay. Please, don’t page us again.
5. Thank you for being courteous and prompt when one of our friends telephone. But try not to sound so shocked when you find us still on the phone forty minutes later...at least don’t be so dramatic that our friends hear you gasp and fall over in the hall. And stop singing show tunes!
6. We’re starving when we get home. And while don’t mind rice cakes and pretzels, Mom, you’re the one on the diet and we need something more...something more cookie-like?
7. Just because we are straight-A honor roll students, don’t expect us to exhibit any academic genius at home. We’ve got to be total airheads somewhere sometimes.
8. Yes, we still play with B*rb**s, but if you ever print that information again in one of your columns, be prepared to pay. We’ll take tens and fives. No make that a crisp twenty since you slipped this one in your column...and take us clothes shopping.
9. An iPod is nothing like a tripod, trust us, Mom...and get us one each.
10. Chores. We’ll get to them. We’re not on the same timetable that you are. When the things on our bedroom floor reach hip-level, then we’ll clean.
For better or for worse, the teen years are coming for all my kiddos. For now, I’ll just enjoy them as they are—
“Momma! JD won’t give me my truck back!”
“It’s mine!”
“No, it’s not! GIVE IT BACK NOW!” (Whack!)
(Thump, thump!)
The youngest bursts into tears and comes running. He cleaves to my leg. Maybe it won’t be so bad when these two lock themselves up in their room and blare their music.
“Give me the truck,” I tell them, and up it goes on the refrigerator with several other confiscated items. Suddenly they are best friends. Just in time for the teens to barrel in the door, bickering. Rule #11 – Let them work it out.
So, I turn on my stereo to drown them out. I have no idea who they get that from.
. . . . . . . . . . .
Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom™, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!
My thirteen-year old daughters are leaving a legacy for the other kids. There are some unspoken rules that I’ve come to respect.
1. When the door is closed to our room and you hear music, please knock.
2. When the door to our room is closed and you don’t hear music, please knock.
3. If you hear music and you like it, you’re more than welcome to listen...if you sit outside the closed door. Please, don’t sing.
4. When we shop for clothes, just leave us to ourselves. We have good taste and a fabulous sense of propriety and modesty. We’ll find you when we’re ready for you to pay. Please, don’t page us again.
5. Thank you for being courteous and prompt when one of our friends telephone. But try not to sound so shocked when you find us still on the phone forty minutes later...at least don’t be so dramatic that our friends hear you gasp and fall over in the hall. And stop singing show tunes!
6. We’re starving when we get home. And while don’t mind rice cakes and pretzels, Mom, you’re the one on the diet and we need something more...something more cookie-like?
7. Just because we are straight-A honor roll students, don’t expect us to exhibit any academic genius at home. We’ve got to be total airheads somewhere sometimes.
8. Yes, we still play with B*rb**s, but if you ever print that information again in one of your columns, be prepared to pay. We’ll take tens and fives. No make that a crisp twenty since you slipped this one in your column...and take us clothes shopping.
9. An iPod is nothing like a tripod, trust us, Mom...and get us one each.
10. Chores. We’ll get to them. We’re not on the same timetable that you are. When the things on our bedroom floor reach hip-level, then we’ll clean.
For better or for worse, the teen years are coming for all my kiddos. For now, I’ll just enjoy them as they are—
“Momma! JD won’t give me my truck back!”
“It’s mine!”
“No, it’s not! GIVE IT BACK NOW!” (Whack!)
(Thump, thump!)
The youngest bursts into tears and comes running. He cleaves to my leg. Maybe it won’t be so bad when these two lock themselves up in their room and blare their music.
“Give me the truck,” I tell them, and up it goes on the refrigerator with several other confiscated items. Suddenly they are best friends. Just in time for the teens to barrel in the door, bickering. Rule #11 – Let them work it out.
So, I turn on my stereo to drown them out. I have no idea who they get that from.
. . . . . . . . . . .
Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom™, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Laziness Takes Planning & Effort
©Lisa Barker
Deciphering what I scrawled on a Tupperware lid for a container I chucked in the freezer months ago is not one of my better skills. But I can always use it to my advantage.
The other night I defrosted what I thought was beef stew and came to discover later that it was this mysterious opaque liquid. It tasted like a sweaty pig. Ah, ham stock! But I had no time left to make pea soup for dinner.
So we ordered from McDonald's.
Now some might suggest that I slow down and take the time to properly label these containers. But here’s the method to my madness.
Four o’clock in the afternoon rolls around. I haven’t got a clue what to make for dinner because I don’t want to cook dinner anyway. About this time the kids start bugging me: “What’s for dinner?” And they get one of three answers: “Food,” “I don’t know,” and “Your guess is as good as mine.”
So I open up the freezer and search for one of my mystery bowls. And then I pray that whatever it is, it’s really gross and we get to order out for pizza.
But there’s more! I have to wait until most of the cereal in the house is gone so my husband doesn’t proclaim that Happy Pops are good enough for dinner.
I also have to work up a sweat and look like I’ve been run over by a truck when he walks in the door. This will cue him that I’ve had a bad day and ordering out is the least he can do for me...his poor wife...who selflessly brought five children into the world.
But I don’t tell him that. Knowing my husband it wouldn’t work. But sometimes he takes pity on me if I’ve put in a good effort.
So just before he gets home I tidy up—not something I am prone to do so it’s a pleasant shock when he walks in the door. This is how I work up a sweat. For that ‘truck ran’ me over’ look I just have the boys start yelling each other on cue (“Hey, yell louder and you’ll get ham and pineapple on that pizza!”) so I can look wearily at my husband and ask him, “How was YOUR day?” as if mine was so horrible his couldn’t compare.
It takes a lot of effort to get out of cooking dinner, probably even more than it takes to cook it. But I don’t care. If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. I mean, after all, that IS why they invented drive-thrus right? So I can drive through in my jammies and pick up dinner?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker and syndicated through Parent To Parent™ and is available for newspapers, websites, e-zines and newsletters. Visit http://www.jellymom.com for more details.
Deciphering what I scrawled on a Tupperware lid for a container I chucked in the freezer months ago is not one of my better skills. But I can always use it to my advantage.
The other night I defrosted what I thought was beef stew and came to discover later that it was this mysterious opaque liquid. It tasted like a sweaty pig. Ah, ham stock! But I had no time left to make pea soup for dinner.
So we ordered from McDonald's.
Now some might suggest that I slow down and take the time to properly label these containers. But here’s the method to my madness.
Four o’clock in the afternoon rolls around. I haven’t got a clue what to make for dinner because I don’t want to cook dinner anyway. About this time the kids start bugging me: “What’s for dinner?” And they get one of three answers: “Food,” “I don’t know,” and “Your guess is as good as mine.”
So I open up the freezer and search for one of my mystery bowls. And then I pray that whatever it is, it’s really gross and we get to order out for pizza.
But there’s more! I have to wait until most of the cereal in the house is gone so my husband doesn’t proclaim that Happy Pops are good enough for dinner.
I also have to work up a sweat and look like I’ve been run over by a truck when he walks in the door. This will cue him that I’ve had a bad day and ordering out is the least he can do for me...his poor wife...who selflessly brought five children into the world.
But I don’t tell him that. Knowing my husband it wouldn’t work. But sometimes he takes pity on me if I’ve put in a good effort.
So just before he gets home I tidy up—not something I am prone to do so it’s a pleasant shock when he walks in the door. This is how I work up a sweat. For that ‘truck ran’ me over’ look I just have the boys start yelling each other on cue (“Hey, yell louder and you’ll get ham and pineapple on that pizza!”) so I can look wearily at my husband and ask him, “How was YOUR day?” as if mine was so horrible his couldn’t compare.
It takes a lot of effort to get out of cooking dinner, probably even more than it takes to cook it. But I don’t care. If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. I mean, after all, that IS why they invented drive-thrus right? So I can drive through in my jammies and pick up dinner?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker and syndicated through Parent To Parent™ and is available for newspapers, websites, e-zines and newsletters. Visit http://www.jellymom.com for more details.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
How To Determine The Future Vocation of Your Children
©Lisa Barker
Have you ever wondered what your children will grow up to be? Following is a list of possible vocations based on the behavior of children.
Child screams at top of lungs to get other children to play his way. Occupational aptitude: Drill sergeant or parent. Take your pick.
Child scales all furniture stepping on anything to get to the top. Occupational aptitude: Fireman, mountain climber or CEO.
Child constantly finds your stash of chocolate. Occupational aptitude: Detective or personal fitness trainer.
Child avoids telling the truth by asking questions and going off on tangents. Occupational aptitude: President of the United States or any politician.
Child eats more cookies and snacks than anyone else taking more than his fair share. Occupational aptitude: The federal government.
Child stuffs veggies up his nose but he insists he ate them. Occupational aptitude: I don’t know, but I hope there is some sort of future for the child of mine that does this.
Child gets caught sneaking candy out of the house and then tells you he was planning to give it to all the children in the neighborhood that didn’t have any. Occupational aptitude: Spin-doctor.
Child gets younger siblings to do what she wants by speaking with a low growl through clenched teeth. Occupational aptitude: Mother in a shopping mall with misbehaving children.
Child gives his/her all at school, then comes home and leaves a trail of shoes, coat, backpack, books and socks from the front door to the bedroom. Occupational aptitude: Husband, bachelor or working mom.
Child constantly talks over others speaking for them and telling others what they really mean. Occupational aptitude: News commentator, talk show host or mother-in-law.
Child constantly whines. Occupational aptitude: An actor that plays a disgruntled caveman in television ad for an insurance company.
Children today have more opportunities to become anything they want to be more than at any other time in history. As parents we need to nurture their latent talents. A friend of mine’s son colored all over her newly painted wall. He was promptly punished...and grew up to be an electrical engineer. He might have been the next Picasso.
At least this is what I tell myself when I see the writing on the wall...in all 64 wonderful Crayola colors. I try to see the artist, engineer, doctor, lawyer, librarian, mother, father or chef in each child.
Who knows what the next generation will become? I’d ponder that but the sound of breaking glass alerts me to the fact that young Sir Isaac Newton just discovered gravity while Ms. Pavlov conditions our poor Chihuahua with the cookies I was saving for snack time.
And I wonder...did Einstein’s mother ever ground him?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker and syndicated through Parent To Parent™ and is available for newspapers, websites, e-zines and newsletters.
Have you ever wondered what your children will grow up to be? Following is a list of possible vocations based on the behavior of children.
Child screams at top of lungs to get other children to play his way. Occupational aptitude: Drill sergeant or parent. Take your pick.
Child scales all furniture stepping on anything to get to the top. Occupational aptitude: Fireman, mountain climber or CEO.
Child constantly finds your stash of chocolate. Occupational aptitude: Detective or personal fitness trainer.
Child avoids telling the truth by asking questions and going off on tangents. Occupational aptitude: President of the United States or any politician.
Child eats more cookies and snacks than anyone else taking more than his fair share. Occupational aptitude: The federal government.
Child stuffs veggies up his nose but he insists he ate them. Occupational aptitude: I don’t know, but I hope there is some sort of future for the child of mine that does this.
Child gets caught sneaking candy out of the house and then tells you he was planning to give it to all the children in the neighborhood that didn’t have any. Occupational aptitude: Spin-doctor.
Child gets younger siblings to do what she wants by speaking with a low growl through clenched teeth. Occupational aptitude: Mother in a shopping mall with misbehaving children.
Child gives his/her all at school, then comes home and leaves a trail of shoes, coat, backpack, books and socks from the front door to the bedroom. Occupational aptitude: Husband, bachelor or working mom.
Child constantly talks over others speaking for them and telling others what they really mean. Occupational aptitude: News commentator, talk show host or mother-in-law.
Child constantly whines. Occupational aptitude: An actor that plays a disgruntled caveman in television ad for an insurance company.
Children today have more opportunities to become anything they want to be more than at any other time in history. As parents we need to nurture their latent talents. A friend of mine’s son colored all over her newly painted wall. He was promptly punished...and grew up to be an electrical engineer. He might have been the next Picasso.
At least this is what I tell myself when I see the writing on the wall...in all 64 wonderful Crayola colors. I try to see the artist, engineer, doctor, lawyer, librarian, mother, father or chef in each child.
Who knows what the next generation will become? I’d ponder that but the sound of breaking glass alerts me to the fact that young Sir Isaac Newton just discovered gravity while Ms. Pavlov conditions our poor Chihuahua with the cookies I was saving for snack time.
And I wonder...did Einstein’s mother ever ground him?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker and syndicated through Parent To Parent™ and is available for newspapers, websites, e-zines and newsletters.
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