©Lisa Barker
1. You like to dip strawberries, cherries and bananas in chocolate so you start experimenting at dinner with broccoli and cauliflower substituting chocolate for cheese.
2. You buy a bottle of chocolate syrup and carry it around in a small paper bag for a quick nip when you need it.
3. You pour yourself a cup of coffee in the morning and use twelve chocolate spoons. You never touch the coffee.
4. You were delighted to discover that they make a chocolate bar for PMS, so you buy yourself three every month to get you through pre-menstrual, present-menstrual and post-menstrual syndrome.
5. Your significant other buys you a five-pound box of chocolate for Valentine’s Day and you eat the whole thing in one night. The next morning you try to call in sick, but you can’t dial the phone because your sugar levels are so high you can’t calm the tremors. So you nurse yourself back to health with little nips from that chocolate syrup bottle.
6. Whenever you see ‘Back-to-school’ advertisements you drool because you know there will soon be kids at your door selling the World’s Finest Chocolate bars for a dollar each.
7. When kids come to your house on Halloween you ‘make change’ by depositing hard candies in their pumpkins and withdrawing Snickers, Crunch, Hershey’s and 3 Musketeers bars.
8. Whenever there is a morning meeting scheduled at work you grab a double chocolate monster-sized muffin to go with your cup of cocoa, then sit on the edge of your chair all through the meeting waving your arm calling, “Me, me! I know, I know!” and they have to call a break so you can walk off some of the effects from all the sugar.
9. You actually call it a ‘hit’ at three o’clock in the afternoon when that chocolate craving strikes and you need it to get through the rest of the day.
10. You’ve eaten all twenty-four pieces of chocolate in your advent calendar by December 1st.
11. You think the best after-holiday sales follow Halloween, Valentine’s Day and Easter.
12. You think Hershey’s 65% cacao bars are for rookies and Lindt’s 85% cacao bars are for professionals.
13. You think it’s great when you go on a diet and the breakfast bars, snack bars, protein bars, and shakes come in chocolate and you’ve actually tried diet chocolate-flavored cola.
14. You plan to start a grassroots movement to get the cacao bean listed in the protein section of the food pyramid.
15. You think the woman in the Dove commercial who’s satisfied with just one piece of chocolate is faking it.
16. You’ve got ‘Chocolate Forever’ tattooed on you somewhere.
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Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane...Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Parenting Teens: Next Will Come A Plague of Locusts
©Lisa Barker
It happens every day at 3:20PM. I brace myself behind the kitchen counter, the door opens and I defend myself with apples, peanut butter and pretzels.
They mow through them like linebackers then retreat to their rooms where they unburden themselves of the three hundred pound backpacks they lug everywhere.
I prepare for the second wave. Milk, cookies, and fruit are strategically placed on the table and are quickly devoured as they descend on them like voracious insatiable locusts.
Thirty minutes later, I hear squabbling and toss out samples of a spice cake I baked earlier. This calms the hungry beasts for a few more minutes and then they start to howl, “When’s supper, Mom?”
“Soon!” I try to placate them. “If you’re done with your homework, go out and play.” It’s a strategic risk. Playing will only make them hungrier.
My husband arrives with the wolves on his heels. I deal plates out on the table like a blackjack dealer. I barely get the food on the table before the beasts are drooling over their place settings.
“Amen.” And they’re off! Firsts, then seconds, then, “What’s for dessert?”
This will continue until snacking tapers off just before bed. But after eight hours of sleep, they will awaken and it will be as if they have never eaten. They prowl through the kitchen stalking yogurt cups, bananas and bagels.
No, these aren’t boys; these are my thirteen-year old twin daughters. They are growing so fast that their bodies and minds are just burning up fuel by the second.
But this growth spurt is not just affecting my daughters; it’s affecting me, too. As I watch my babies grow there’s a part of me that misses the little girls that they used to be. They eat for nourishment and I eat for consolation.
The girls are spurting upward and growing taller by the second. I’m spurting horizontally and in a circular fashion. People have stopped asking me when the baby is due...because I’ve been carrying it for four years now.
Note to self: Just because the kids are having a growth spurt, doesn’t mean you are, too, woman.
Isn’t that the truth?
They say stock your kitchen with healthy food and for the most part I have because I want the kids to make good choices. And I am doing that for myself...but four servings of something good for me is still three servings too many.
It’s funny that I started my vocation as a mom eating for three and now I’m doing it again as I watch my babies grow into adults. But I’m calling this stage of parenting the plague of locusts.
. . . . . . . . . . .
Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom™, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com/. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!
It happens every day at 3:20PM. I brace myself behind the kitchen counter, the door opens and I defend myself with apples, peanut butter and pretzels.
They mow through them like linebackers then retreat to their rooms where they unburden themselves of the three hundred pound backpacks they lug everywhere.
I prepare for the second wave. Milk, cookies, and fruit are strategically placed on the table and are quickly devoured as they descend on them like voracious insatiable locusts.
Thirty minutes later, I hear squabbling and toss out samples of a spice cake I baked earlier. This calms the hungry beasts for a few more minutes and then they start to howl, “When’s supper, Mom?”
“Soon!” I try to placate them. “If you’re done with your homework, go out and play.” It’s a strategic risk. Playing will only make them hungrier.
My husband arrives with the wolves on his heels. I deal plates out on the table like a blackjack dealer. I barely get the food on the table before the beasts are drooling over their place settings.
“Amen.” And they’re off! Firsts, then seconds, then, “What’s for dessert?”
This will continue until snacking tapers off just before bed. But after eight hours of sleep, they will awaken and it will be as if they have never eaten. They prowl through the kitchen stalking yogurt cups, bananas and bagels.
No, these aren’t boys; these are my thirteen-year old twin daughters. They are growing so fast that their bodies and minds are just burning up fuel by the second.
But this growth spurt is not just affecting my daughters; it’s affecting me, too. As I watch my babies grow there’s a part of me that misses the little girls that they used to be. They eat for nourishment and I eat for consolation.
The girls are spurting upward and growing taller by the second. I’m spurting horizontally and in a circular fashion. People have stopped asking me when the baby is due...because I’ve been carrying it for four years now.
Note to self: Just because the kids are having a growth spurt, doesn’t mean you are, too, woman.
Isn’t that the truth?
They say stock your kitchen with healthy food and for the most part I have because I want the kids to make good choices. And I am doing that for myself...but four servings of something good for me is still three servings too many.
It’s funny that I started my vocation as a mom eating for three and now I’m doing it again as I watch my babies grow into adults. But I’m calling this stage of parenting the plague of locusts.
. . . . . . . . . . .
Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom™, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com/. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!
Friday, October 12, 2007
Things That Make Children Deaf
©Lisa Barker
Any parent knows that the moment a child sees water there will be instantaneous deafness. It doesn’t matter whether it’s an ocean, lake, river, stream or mud puddle. Even a Dixie cup full of water is a child magnet...because children cannot hear parents when they see water.
Suddenly, the brain sends a signal that bypasses the ears and goes straight to the child’s legs and tells the child to jump, dive, stomp or splash in the water. Not until the child is soaking wet and shivering do parents’ voices register.
“What did you do that for? I told you we were NOT getting wet today!”
Come on, parents. Did you ever get near water yourself as a child and NOT get wet?
The minute the car stops so the family can take a look at the water, all bets are off. Somebody is going to get wet and it’s going to be a total soak. In fact, the amount of soaking will be directly related to the lack of towels and dry clothes on hand, meaning the less prepared you are the more soaked your child will be.
Unless the water is in a sink filled with dirty dishes, your kids will not be able to resist its magnetic pull.
Another great distraction is the television. The third parent has far more command over children than do mom and dad. Television ON = child’s hearing OFF.
“Junior, how was your day?”
No response.
“Did you enjoy the lunch I made you?”
Still no response.
“Your father and I decided to buy you a pony....”
It doesn’t matter. It could be the news and even a three-year old will stop, pivot toward the tube and the eyes will glaze over, the jaw will go slack and there’s no getting through to him.
“I’ve got ice cream!” you sing. Who cares? No child can resist television. You’d do better if you made a commercial. “We interrupt this broadcast so Timmy’s dad can say, “Tim, it’s time for bed. Now.’”
And try talking to a child delving into a sack of candy. A child cannot see, grab and stuff candy in his mouth AND hear at the same time. It’s biologically impossible. Cookies, pizza and soda have the same effect.
Children mean well, but there are certain things a parent must avoid in order to keep a child’s attention. So put away the candy, turn off the television and drive to the middle of the desert where you can use these things to negotiate with your child (some call it bribery). They’ll be putty in your hands as long as you can stand the whining—something that tends to make parents deaf.
. . . . . . . . . . .
Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom™, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!
Any parent knows that the moment a child sees water there will be instantaneous deafness. It doesn’t matter whether it’s an ocean, lake, river, stream or mud puddle. Even a Dixie cup full of water is a child magnet...because children cannot hear parents when they see water.
Suddenly, the brain sends a signal that bypasses the ears and goes straight to the child’s legs and tells the child to jump, dive, stomp or splash in the water. Not until the child is soaking wet and shivering do parents’ voices register.
“What did you do that for? I told you we were NOT getting wet today!”
Come on, parents. Did you ever get near water yourself as a child and NOT get wet?
The minute the car stops so the family can take a look at the water, all bets are off. Somebody is going to get wet and it’s going to be a total soak. In fact, the amount of soaking will be directly related to the lack of towels and dry clothes on hand, meaning the less prepared you are the more soaked your child will be.
Unless the water is in a sink filled with dirty dishes, your kids will not be able to resist its magnetic pull.
Another great distraction is the television. The third parent has far more command over children than do mom and dad. Television ON = child’s hearing OFF.
“Junior, how was your day?”
No response.
“Did you enjoy the lunch I made you?”
Still no response.
“Your father and I decided to buy you a pony....”
It doesn’t matter. It could be the news and even a three-year old will stop, pivot toward the tube and the eyes will glaze over, the jaw will go slack and there’s no getting through to him.
“I’ve got ice cream!” you sing. Who cares? No child can resist television. You’d do better if you made a commercial. “We interrupt this broadcast so Timmy’s dad can say, “Tim, it’s time for bed. Now.’”
And try talking to a child delving into a sack of candy. A child cannot see, grab and stuff candy in his mouth AND hear at the same time. It’s biologically impossible. Cookies, pizza and soda have the same effect.
Children mean well, but there are certain things a parent must avoid in order to keep a child’s attention. So put away the candy, turn off the television and drive to the middle of the desert where you can use these things to negotiate with your child (some call it bribery). They’ll be putty in your hands as long as you can stand the whining—something that tends to make parents deaf.
. . . . . . . . . . .
Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom™, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
It's A Boy Thing
©Lisa Barker
If something is broken around here I know that one of the boys did it. I don’t even have to ask. The girls would never do such a thing. If they break something, they tell me. If the boys break something I discover it piece by piece.
They also build things. Boys are like carpenter ants. They feed on protein and sugar and then destroy things in the house in order to build nests that are otherwise known as forts.
Another thing boys do is give parents heart attacks. Last week my four-year old son ran away. But this time it was different. He meant to run away. In the past if the door was left open, he’d run out and down the street willy-nilly like a dog on the loose. You know the kind. You spoil the mutts, give them treats and then the door opens and they run off like they don’t know you from the dog catcher. Some dogs just trot around the yard and then go right back into the house. Others run for it and up until last week so did my son.
This time, though, it was deliberate; he had a plan. And two hair-graying hours later, after a big ta-doo that involved police and concerned neighbors searching, he was finally home and we were finally de-stressed enough to talk about it.
“Why did you run away?”
“Because I don’t want to live here anymore.”
“Why? Why don’t you want to live here anymore?”
“Because it’s dangerous.”
“Dangerous?”
And then we slowly came to understand that this poor little kiddo was dealing with his older sister’s illness in the best way he knew how. He saw an older sister lose the ability to walk, run and play, to eat and drink and he was scared to death it would happen to him...unless he ran away.
You bet we loved and hugged him up. Thankful that this latest escapade only aged us twenty years and we still had our youngest boy, we spoiled him with treats and attention. The whole family did.
And we thought all was well until the next morning when he said to his father: “Dad, I’m done with my life.”
“What?” Immediately my husband conjured a bazillion reasons for this statement. He wondered if there more trouble on this little one’s mind.
“I’m all done with my life. I don’t want any more.” And he showed my husband his empty cereal bowl. He didn’t want any more Life cereal.
See? I told you boys give parents heart attacks.
I had to call my sister, mother of two delightful daughters and one boy nicknamed “Wheels”. I knew she’d understand.
---------------------------------------------------
Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane...Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!
If something is broken around here I know that one of the boys did it. I don’t even have to ask. The girls would never do such a thing. If they break something, they tell me. If the boys break something I discover it piece by piece.
They also build things. Boys are like carpenter ants. They feed on protein and sugar and then destroy things in the house in order to build nests that are otherwise known as forts.
Another thing boys do is give parents heart attacks. Last week my four-year old son ran away. But this time it was different. He meant to run away. In the past if the door was left open, he’d run out and down the street willy-nilly like a dog on the loose. You know the kind. You spoil the mutts, give them treats and then the door opens and they run off like they don’t know you from the dog catcher. Some dogs just trot around the yard and then go right back into the house. Others run for it and up until last week so did my son.
This time, though, it was deliberate; he had a plan. And two hair-graying hours later, after a big ta-doo that involved police and concerned neighbors searching, he was finally home and we were finally de-stressed enough to talk about it.
“Why did you run away?”
“Because I don’t want to live here anymore.”
“Why? Why don’t you want to live here anymore?”
“Because it’s dangerous.”
“Dangerous?”
And then we slowly came to understand that this poor little kiddo was dealing with his older sister’s illness in the best way he knew how. He saw an older sister lose the ability to walk, run and play, to eat and drink and he was scared to death it would happen to him...unless he ran away.
You bet we loved and hugged him up. Thankful that this latest escapade only aged us twenty years and we still had our youngest boy, we spoiled him with treats and attention. The whole family did.
And we thought all was well until the next morning when he said to his father: “Dad, I’m done with my life.”
“What?” Immediately my husband conjured a bazillion reasons for this statement. He wondered if there more trouble on this little one’s mind.
“I’m all done with my life. I don’t want any more.” And he showed my husband his empty cereal bowl. He didn’t want any more Life cereal.
See? I told you boys give parents heart attacks.
I had to call my sister, mother of two delightful daughters and one boy nicknamed “Wheels”. I knew she’d understand.
---------------------------------------------------
Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane...Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!
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