How To Make Your Toddler Possessed

©Lisa Barker

(An excerpt from Lisa Barker’s book Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane...Doesn’t Mean You Are A Bad Parent!)

I rarely take my kids on a clothes-shopping expedition--unless it's for the child in tow and all the rest are at home. This means I have a 90% record in my favor of happy, well-behaved kids when shopping for clothes.

Unlike me when I was a child, my kids aren't running through the aisles or hiding themselves in the middle of a circular rack. I have kids who actually look forward to clothes shopping.

That is, until today.

I haven't been shopping seriously for clothes for myself since my twins (now eleven) were about the age of their youngest sister who's now three. That was back in the days when just about the time I was completely down to my underwear one or both of the twins would whip open the curtain of the changing room, much to my chagrin and the surprise of all the other customers in the vicinity.

So, eight years later, I'm a little wiser and really desperate. I tuck the two little ones in the double stroller and embark on my daring mission to seek clothes for my new body that, after five kids, is a new body.

Well, we're at my favorite store—the one where I mooned everyone eight years ago. I'm relatively sure that no one remembers me. I riffle through the racks like a clerk at the post office sorting mail. Yep, nope, maybe, nope, nope, YES!

Once I accumulate a load of 'yesses', I pile them on the stroller and park the kids just out of arm's reach of the dressing curtain. I'm fast, I'm greased lightening and I'm in and out of outfits so fast I'm busting a sweat. And then it starts.

At first it sounded like the low growl of a finely tuned Chevy. But it begins to build and crescendo with vehemence. I peek out of the curtain just in time to see the sweet blonde head of my three-year old rotate 360 degrees. Her eyes cross, that deep guttural growl sounds again and then—yikes! I duck back in the dressing room before the pea soup can hit my new skirt.

The three-year old tries to take her two-year old brother's head off (she sits behind him in the stroller) while he simultaneously attempts to reach back to scalp her.

Okay. Time to go. Wait—just one more thing!

“BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

“Snorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre.”

One is possessed. One is out cold.

We check out. It'll be months before these two won't shriek when they see a rack of clothes.

But hey, good news! One skirt was half off…and the toys were free!

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Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane...Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!